Crabapple Heart

my heart was once the size of a crabapple

but she still demanded I kneel whenever I pray

and to never end a disagreement with my parents without saying, 

"I love you"

she used to live behind mountain range ribs, 5th up

but she glitters better when she nestles beneath my cheekbones

or sits on my cupids bow

this way she was better able to remind me that I start speaking louder

and that there's no need to say sorry when there's nothing to apologize for

I didn't say much in the fifth grade

but my heart knew I'd never let my bones rest

had I not took the hand of that boy to show him he did have a friend

she still is disappointed in me for the tests I've cheated on in grade school

and all the years wasted thinking I knew how to heal without learning to

I was taught to sing over gravestone

that there is such a thing as rebirth after being born

she knows I'm in a much better place now and that I've worked really hard to get here

she knows I'm becoming someone very good

I want to dive in and watch oil painted clouds drift in every Millais painting I see

build solar systems and neighboring planets with the people I love most

fill water towers with lavender tea

and walk every dog in the world outside for however long they'd like!

my heart often asks me for things I cannot quite give

when we sat in his volvo, I turned up the radio

so her nervous palpitations wouldn't become the muscle memory to my favorite Fleetwood Mac song

she was asking me for something I believe I couldn't quite give

I tell her, "sometimes it's best to say nothing at all"
but she has never agreed with that statement

despite all the things I cannot give to her,
my heart sure beams whenever I hear Densley play his mandolin in the halls
seeing strangers pay generous tips to their waiters and waitresses

going roller-skating on the school tennis courts during lunch hour

and when my friends dog chooses to sit by me

she knows the value behind telling others how I truly feel

to express how dearly I appreciate things that are good

and opening myself as much as I can
so that someone else might feel less lonely

there is beauty in vulnerability

my heart still demands I kneel whenever I pray 

and to end every disagreement with,
"I love you"

she was never the size of a crabapple

but the quiet yet symphonic song of purpose 

that believes there is important words to proclaim

and hearts to heal

. . .

so let's start at the beginning

and invite one another inside

scar tissue and all

CHILD SERVICES AIN'T GOT NOTHIN ON ME

When I was 6 years old I got onto the monkey bars and could only make it halfway across so I held on and called my dad over to help me cross the other half. So he comes over and extends his loving arms like he's going to help me but instead he de-pants me and I'm still holding onto the monkey bars but pantsless and my dad is laughing at me and I feel this cool breeze pass by so I look down and realize what's going on and think, "ah, good one" and then I start laughing but then the humilation sets in and within about two seconds I transition from laughing to crying and I'm still holding onto the monkey bars and my dad is still laughing at me and the rest of my family/relatives are watching this all go on not knowing what to do because they're good people who have better parenting skills and I look back and although it was awful at the time this experience has helped me better embrace life's many surprises

it me (THE BIG REVEAL)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkgPbbujwGY

shoutout to Hanna Sullivan and Emily Moyle for helping me produce this film.