Balancing Honey Tides

balancing honey tides

I washed my hands

and told myself it was time 

to "come back home"

I'm trying not to let my voice slip beneath the car stereo 

there are words that should be said only at stop lights

or roundabouts

I once loved a boy

who snapped the necks of pigeons

I told him he was being sadistic

he argued it was, "humane"

this response left lemon rhine on my tongue

I wanted to scream

I replied, "there are less juvenile ways to release sexual frustration"

he didn't think that was too funny

he was raised in a family that taught him not to hit girls

I thank them for that

she told me her dad emailed her on her birthday

and she still feels strange responding

but she hugs her little brother like he is the world

and laughs in white daffodils

you are such a gift

and I'm going miss you more than life when you leave

I'm sorry, dad

I'm sorry that I don't make decisions fast enough

I'm sorry, mom

I'm sorry I forgot to turn off the burner

and thank you thank you thank you

for being the reason there's such a place as home

and that I no longer wish my eyes weren't as brown

or skin as olive

or bottom teeth as crooked

you taught me unconditional love

to laugh at the caved dent in the wall from my roller-skates

to let things go, so that better things can come

thank you, love you

I watch friends drive to my favorite songs

with boys that make them feel like adults

I eat frozen raspberries with drizzled honey everyday

and I never open my shutters

last night, my grandma gave me a mantle piece

with several species of butterflies pinned to cotton

she told me months ago I could have it when she was dead

I hope she forgot she said that

I hope she decided to just give it to me many years too early

a year ago, he used to look at me in class

but I straightened out my skirt

and turned my head the other way

I did not like how he made my words feel like they sputtered and stained

he liked the same weird shit as me

and I thought that made us soulmates

but I realize that's just superficial garbage

now we say hi and smile at each other in the halls

and I feel nothing but healing

we care, but not in that way anymore

I embroider when I'm angry

and openly burp on first dates

but blush when I make eye contact

some mornings I clamp my fists to my bathroom counter

and tell the person in the mirror to be less of a goofball

to be more feminine

to not do cartwheels when I wear skirts

but I never listen

I realized recently that beauty is a state of being
a cultivated feeling

so I'll do as many cartwheels as I like

and avoid the voices who say I will never find a man who could love me

a man is not a man if he cannot cradle and marvel at individuality

and puts a cap on growth

I love being me

and I hope when I am with others they learn to love them too

a friend once told me she tries to play the piano

by letting the music rise through her stomach

and flow from her chest

bleeding over black and white keys

I thought that was beautiful

and her good intentions flood with God behind them

and I never will forget how we drive up mountains together

and shout out rolled down windows why we love ourselves so much

and why we're so sad

and why we're so happy

and why we're so thankful

there are moments I want to live in forever

I ask God to play them back in my dreams

he hasn't yet

when we danced in that church parking lot

I twirled with velvet fringe

and I remember thinking his legs moved like noodles

I haven't felt that happy in a long long time

we should've stayed for another song

I should've took better note of that particular shade of sky

but I also wouldn't change anything 

I don't want to forget what it felt like to be there

or here

I don't know why your fiancé left you the way he did

but I always thought you looked prettiest when you disco skated under fluorescent lights

and laughed with your eyes closed

all I can see is you tugging on his arm and him hovering over you in your pink bedroom

it makes my stomach curdle that he treated you like a child

I wish I knew what to tell you to make you feel better

but I don't

so hold my hand until you feel his ghost pass

don't let your night stand become a graveyard

I too often visualize myself running as fast as I can into space

and watching the earth spin from the moons perspective

but I want more than anything to fall in love with now

                                              with here                                      

                                              with me

   

and I am

it's just easy to forget

so I'll remember how it felt to sit by riverbeds

hands stained by pomegranates 

I'll let my body dictate the music

and plant sunflower seeds in my palms

so that everyone I hold hands with will see a field of yellow

I'll tell myself every day I am a work of art

and know that God has never forgotten to paint my honey scheme sunrises

I know I'm in good hands

I know things don't work out so that better things can

I cannot wait to cry with tomorrow

and beam about every brilliant little thing

butterfly's 

moon tea

symphonies 

I cannot let myself forget